Author Archives

    Jake

    Posted on

    Stop Trespassing on My Time

    My phone began to ring and I stared at it and frowned. “Not Ryan”, I mumbled under my breath. Do you ever have experiences like that? I did recently, that was a true story about Ryan calling (names have been changed to protect the innocent/guilty). I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling the way that I was. I like Ryan, we get along very well and are interested in a lot of the same things, but for some reason I felt an urge to not pick up the phone.

    Woman talking on the phone

    As I thought about this experience I realized that it wasn’t Ryan specifically I was avoiding, it was his requests. You see every time that we talk he has something he needs my help on. And because I like and respect him, I have a hard time (ok impossible time) saying “no”; everything from relationship advice and moving furniture to last minute rides and finishing projects at work.

    Boundaries are tricky aren’t they? It is tough to determine what you “should do” versus what you “could do”. The trick is realizing that you have certain responsibilities but other requests fall outside of that responsibility. When we are in the middle of the situation is it difficult to recognize the level to which requests distract and derail our other efforts.

    There are many reasons that we may be hesitant to decline requests for help. You may fear the relationship will be irreparably harmed. You may have to deal with unpleasantness like anger or immaturity. You may not understand what is your responsibility and confuse a “should” with a “could”. You may also feel some level of commitment or guilt if you do not help out. All of these are valid reasons making saying no even harder.

    Recognizing that every time you say “yes” to something you are saying “no” to something else will help. I used to, and unfortunately sometimes still do, get caught up at work trying to finish just 1 more project and end up late for dinner with the family. I am really saying “yes” to my career and “no” to my family.

    You must recognize that there are times and places for both in every life. I would love to stay home and be with the family all day but it is hard to feed them on that effort. Similarly, if I decide to go golfing on Saturday morning, I need to recognize that I have just said “yes” to 6 hours in the weeds instead of 6 hours at home (probably in the weeds). That realization has helped me to prioritize and determine which choice is best for me.

    golf ball in dunes

    Even when you make the decision that saying “no” is the right decision for you, it still requires actually saying “no”. So, how do we make saying “no” a little bit easier? Here are 11 steps to softening the “no”:

    • Listen to the request fully and respectfully- Give the person making the request the opportunity to fully articulate the need.
    • Get to know your “yes”- Before you can get really good at declining offers you need to understand what you want to say “yes” to. What are the things in your life that take priority and then say “yes” to those first. Otherwise you may end up saying “no” them by default.
    • Practice- The first time you say “no” you may find it difficult, but as you work on it and gain more experience it will become easier. Start with small inconsequential requests and move on to larger requests as you develop.
    • Pause before responding to any request- Take a few moments to think about what is being asked and evaluate it against your other commitments and responsibilities. Determine if it is a “should” or a “could”. I have a friend who never agrees to anything immediately when asked. Her response is always “let me check on a few things and get back to you”. This gives her the opportunity to fully vet each request and when she does accept a request she is fully committed.
    • Simply say “no” (or as simply as possible)- When you determine that you cannot accept a request respond with a clear decline. Do not try to soften the response by being vague or cryptic. Either you can or you cannot do what is requested.

    say no

    • Recognize your time is your time and it is valuable- Each request is taking something from you, your time, and that has value to it. Know your priorities and what you can realistically accept.
    • When appropriate give a brief reason for declining- It is important to be honest and when appropriate you can share why you are unable to accept the request. People will respect your directness.
    • But don’t feel obligated to explain- You are in control of your life and your reasons for declining are your own. You do not need to justify or be confrontational when you decline.
    • Script it out- When you know a specific unrealistic request is coming you can prepare by writing out a response ahead of time. Or you can respond to a request through email or text which will give you a chance to fine tune and wordsmith your response.
    • Have alternatives- A great way to decline a request is to couple that “no” with alternative options. Maybe you cannot help but could Sally?
    • Finally, stay firm- Once you have made a decision stand your ground and stay committed. A good decision made after deliberation shouldn’t be changed in the heat of the moment.

    Whatever steps you choose and use know that you are making a decision for yourself to prioritize what is important to you. Nobody has control or power over that. Say “no”…firmly, frequently and with respect. Stop Trespassing on My Time.

    Question: Do you have any tips for saying no and focusing on your priorities? Leave your comments below or by clicking here.

    Eat That Frog Slideshow

    Posted on

    The Merchant of Death: Living Forward Before You Die

    Tick Tock….Tick….Tock. You have today- what are you going to do with it?

    young business man looking at watch over white background

    Unlike Alfred Nobel, your obituary and legacy are not yet written. You can write them today. Are you familiar with Alfred Nobel? In 1888 Alfred’s brother passed away. The local newspaper, mistaking Alfred for his brother, printed his obituary instead; a rather unflattering obituary.

    Alfred Nobel was the inventor of dynamite. His legacy, according to the newspaper, was as “The Merchant of Death” and he was blamed for the loss of thousands of lives. Can you imagine reading your own obituary and seeing your legacy as someone evil? I don’t want to.

    Well, Alfred made this experience a defining moment in his life and vowed to change, to create a more positive legacy when he actually did pass away. He took his enormous fortune and left most of it to establish the Nobel Prizes. You have heard of those right; the prizes awarded to those who contribute the “greatest benefit on mankind” in the fields of peace, chemistry, physics, economics, literature and medicine?

    stamp printed in Grenada, shows alfred nobel

    While you may not have been able to identify the inventor of dynamite you have certainly heard of the Nobel Prize. It appears that Alfred Nobel was successful in his attempts to change his legacy. You, like Alfred Nobel, have the opportunity to change your legacy. You have today to rewrite your history.

    I call this living forward.

    We all have things in our past that we regret, mistakes that we have made, but what is important today is that you move forward. Who you were and who you are pales in comparison to who you can become (tweet that). So what are you going to do to make that change? Do you have dreams, goals, and aspirations you aspire to? You control your destiny, you control your legacy.

    Question: What are you doing today to “Live Forward”? How are you writing your legacy? Leave your comments below or by clicking here.

    Free Integrity Poster

    Posted on

    The Key to Success is Pruning Life’s Roses

    You have to know what to cut out before you can fully develop. I recently read the book Necessary Endings by Dr. Henry Cloud. In this book he talks about “The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships that All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward.” This book really resonated with me because I have, and I think we all have, people, positions or beliefs we should give up.

    child smelling flowers

    There are a number of reasons that we fail to make the “necessary endings”. We may feel a level of commitment, or love, or accountability. Take for example a job that you have been doing for a number of years that just isn’t fulfilling. You may feel that you need to continue in the role out of an obligation to your employer, or a responsibility to finish a project, or a fear that leaving now would be financially detrimental. In each situation there are a variety of reasons that we hold on when the right move is to let go.

    One of my favorite analogies in the book is that of the rose bush. I live here in San Jose, California where the weather is great a lot of the time. Because of the weather, we are able to grow roses virtually year round. We have neighbors who spend hours a week grooming and nurturing their roses and they take great pride in the success of their rose gardens. Personally I’m not much of a rose person but I appreciate the analogy Dr. Cloud uses.

    When looking at a rose bush you will find that there are generally 3 different types of buds. The first type is the clearly dead. Every rose bush will have a certain number of branches that are dead. They have no chance of becoming healthy roses. It is clear that the best strategy when dealing with this type of rose branch is to remove it; cut it out. If you don’t it will cause the healthy branches to grow around it and alter their development and impede their progress.

    Broken dried faded roses on white background

    Like the rose bush, each of us have things or people in our lives that are dead. Do you have someone you are close to that doesn’t add any value to your life, isn’t helping you reach your potential, or is impeding your development? These people or circumstances need to just be removed. You need to cut them out of your life. Recognize that this isn’t just people, it could be habits that you have or the environment you participate in that is stopping your progress. Cut it out.

    The next type of rose branch is a good branch with a healthy flower forming but that isn’t the best flower. These branches drain nutrients and energy from the healthy roses and slow their growth, delaying their development. This type of rose branch is harder to deal with because it really is a good branch. But removing these good, but not great, branches will allow your great branches to develop more fully and reach their potential.

    Old rose isolated on white

    Similarly, in our lives we have things that are good but may not be the best for us. As difficult as it is, these, like the dead branches, need to be removed for full progress to occur. Do you have people, positions or beliefs in your life that are robbing your time and attention from what is truly important? I believe this is the procrastinator’s biggest obstacle. Do you ever find yourself busy all day but at the end of it with nothing much accomplished? You pushed paper from one side of the desk to the other and cleared your email box but left your “big” project untouched? Focus on the important and remove the mediocre.

    Finally, the third type of rose branch is the great and beautiful ones. They might not have reached their full potential yet and need continued care and nurturing but the potential is clear. After you eliminate the mediocre and the dead branches you can focus on the beautiful.

    smell of the flower

    In life I hope you have goals, dreams and aspirations that are enormous. You have the potential to accomplish great things. And like the rose bush, if you focus on your priorities and implement “necessary endings” to the people, positions and beliefs that are holding you back you will thrive and flourish. You will become a success because the Key to Success is Pruning Life’s Roses

     

    Question: Do you have dead or mediocre rose branches in your life that you need to get rid of? What can you do today to create those “necessary endings”? Leave your comments below or by clicking here.

     

    Get Your Free Poster Containing One Degree Off Course Quotes

    Posted on

    10 Traits and Habits of the Wealthy

    Are you wealthy? What is it that the wealthy do differently than the poor? There has been a lot of research recently on the mindset, habits and choices that the wealthy make that distinguish them. How do you define being wealthy? “Wealthy” can vary depending on where you live. For example, in a recent Realtor.com article, San Jose ranked #1 (that’s not good) as the least affordable market. The average home mortgage uses 72.4% of the owner’s monthly income. Wow! To put that into comparison, New York City is only 46.6% and Atlanta only 19.8%. So, being wealthy in San Jose will take more income than say Detroit.

    excited successful business man in love with money

    But, what do the wealthy do differently; how do they think that makes the biggest difference? You would be surprised to find that intelligence has very little to do with it. Let’s look at 10 traits and habits of the wealthy, ways they are different.

    1. They live on a budget- This may sound obvious but wealthy people do not accumulate credit card debt and they minimize auto loans or other types of “pay later” arrangements. Some good rules of thumb are to spend less than 25% of your income on housing (sorry San Jose and New York) and less than 15% on food. If you have a 401(K) with matching….maximize your contributions.
    2. Have a purpose and live on purpose- Do you know why you get up each day? What causes you to take the stairs 2 at a time? Knowing your purpose will guide your decisions. As Zig Ziglar often taught- be a meaningful specific, not a wandering generality.
    3. Read every day- I like to set aside 10 minutes every day to read a good book. Often I read nonfiction, but sometimes I do enjoy a fictional story. If you listen to the Family Before Fortune Podcast, you know that I read a book a week and review it. (See a list of past books here). Readers are learners and learners are leaders. The wealthy read while the poor watch tv. I am a believer that you should live your own dream, not watch other people (actors) live theirs.                                                                                                              Audible Deal
    4. Get a mentor. I have spoken a lot in this blog and on the podcast about the value of a mentor (read more here or listen here). My mentor has inspired me to grow beyond anything I could have imagined and I owe a lot of my success today to his mentorship. Wealthy people learn from positive mentors.
    5. Avoid the negative- negative people suck. Get them out of your life. Ziglar also taught that you become part of what you are around. Spend time with mentors (see #4 above) and avoid anyone who doesn’t see your best interest. Spend time with those who will boost you to success.
    6. Volunteer regularly- You can have anything you want in life if you just help enough other people get what they want (Ziglar again). Be a part of your community. Build and develop others. Be for someone else the mentor you want to have (see #4 again). It is amazing the energy and motivation you can get from helping others and being involved in a cause greater than yourself. Wealthy people are too busy helping others to get caught up in selfishness.
    7. Work hard- While wealthy people may not be distinguished from their poor counterparts in intelligence, they are distinguished in their commitment to a hard day’s work. Don’t be afraid of working hard. Good things come to people who are willing to give it their all and put their nose to the grind and drive hard.
    8. Do it now- The wealthy do “now” what needs to be done. Procrastination is a trait that is absent in the wealthy. Some of the most successful people I know, and the busiest, are those who do their responsibilities immediately and never delay the completion. It is often heard that if you want something done ask a busy person. This is true because they get it done- without procrastination.
    9. Goal oriented and accountable- The wealthy have objectives and know the direction they are headed. They set their sights on the finish line and work to achieve it. They are careful not to dream and fantasize but to be realistic and then focus (follow one course until success).
    10. Never give up…never surrender- a favorite movie of mine from many years ago is Galaxy Quest, a comedy satire of Star Trek. One of the characters would always say “Never give up…never surrender” and that is the mantra of the wealthy. It is inevitable that times will get tough, they always do, but the wealthy persevere. When obstacles get in their way they just keep moving.

    There you have it, 10 traits and habits of the wealthy. How many of these traits do you have? I know that I could work on a couple of them (ok all 10). The interesting thing is that a whole bunch of research has been done about this topic; and the difference between wealth and poverty is easy to understand and easy to change yet so few people are willing to do it. Are you?

     Question: Which one of the wealthy traits do you think has had the biggest impact on your success? Which one do you struggle with the most? Leave your comments below of by clicking here.

      Free SMART Goals Poster

    Posted on

    The 30 Day Challenge Revisited

    Last year at this time I wrote about my 30 day challenges and how they have impacted my life. I got the idea while reading of the Compound Effect by Darren Hardy. Since its writing, the 30 Day Challenge post has been one of my most frequently visited posts. People really resonate with the idea of short 30 day goals. You can read that original post here. With so much popularity and interest, I thought I would look back on topic and see what I have learned – The 30 Day Challenge Revisited.

    Silhouette of hiking man jumping over the mountains at sunset

    The biggest lesson learned is that personal confidence, built through the challenges, is the most important reason to do them. It is also true that we control our own destinies and have a lot more power over those negative little voices in our heads than we may realize. In the past 3 years I have participated in many…many 30 day challenges. And each challenge positively impacts my life.

    I find that my commitment to my 30 day challenge is stronger than my commitment to my other goals and objectives. Here are 5 reasons why that is the case:

    1. Short term goals focus your mind- when your mind understands that there is a time limit it concentrates and keeps the thought (challenge) at the forefront. It doesn’t allow the idea to slip into the subconscious or be forgotten.
    2. Clarity- 30 day challenges are clearly determined goals over a short period of time. The clearly defined nature makes them simple for your mind to understand. You know exactly what you need to do and how you need to do it to be successful. There is no confusion about what to do next.
    3. Simple- while not always easy, my 30 day challenges are simple. They do not require a lot of strategic planning and brainstorming. I simply agree to do (or not to do) something every day for 30 days. It is clear if I did (or did not) do what I agreed that day.
    4. The power of the chain- 30 day challenges invoke the mental power of the chain. Once you get a couple of days under your belt, a few checkmarks on the calendar, you do not want to break the chain and have to start all the way over. This is one of the strongest features of the challenge. By day 20, the chain of days is so long you couldn’t imagine breaking it which creates momentum that will carry you through the remaining time.
    5. A definite stopping date- When you have an end date in sight you can find that extra willpower to fight to the end. Having a defined objective gives you confidence that you can be successful.

    It only takes 3 weeks to form a habit, and by the end of your 30 days challenge you will have intentionally built a habit that will propel you to success. I cannot overstate the value I have found in the 30 Day Challenge.

    Question: Let’s take on a challenge together- what are you working on? Leave your comment below and then commit to making it 30 days. How would it change your life? Leave your comments below or by clicking here

     

    Get a FREE Copy of the 3 Rules of Making More Money Poster